FANIMATED SERIES RISE OF THE LAST DRAGON COMING SOON
FROM DAETRIX AND WIARLAWD PRODUCTIONS!
THE LAST DRAGON
MOVIE SCRIPT PULLED FROM THE FILM
"may be a few errors... please excuse!"
WE DO NOT WON ANY RIGHTS TO THIS SCRIPT BUT PROVIDE IS FOR FREE AS IS FOR FANS OF THE FILM TO PRACTICE, RESEARCH.
(LEROY IS PRACTICING HIS TRAINING HIN HIS MASTER'S DOJO WHILE HIS MS MASTER SHOOT'S COLORED ARROWS AT HIM AS HE CHOPS THEM IN MID AIR BY HAND. HE THEN CATCHES THE LAST ARROW. )
MASTER
How did you know... ...that was the blue one? -
LEROY
I do not know, Master.
MASTER
You do not know?
LEROY
No. I humbly apologize for my ignorance, Master.
I will do anything to prove my worthiness!
MASTER
You have been to the movies again, I see.
Full of disciples falling to their knees at the slightest hint of their master's displeasure. Leroy,
this is not a punishment.
It is a celebration!
You have touched the final level.
You knew without knowing!
We have finished our journey together.
LEROY
But, Master... ...the final level.
The glow!
You always said...
MASTER
That when you reached the final level...
you would know it by the appearance of a sublime glow...
all over your body.
Come, Leroy. Get up.
What you seek is not written on the floor.
The final level is a return to the beginning.
This is the Last Dragon.
A cycle is complete...
and now there is a new emptiness to be filled.
a new journey which you must make alone.
LEROY
I am confused.
MASTER
Good.
Confusion is a part of life, as are vengeance, fear and love.
All facets must be embraced
for then, and only then
will you break through the wall of mystery to the glow.
LEROY
Master, perhaps with more time to train.
Master, I need more time.
MASTER
I am no longer your master!
Leroy
if it is a master you must have...
there is an old sage called Sum Dum Goy.
He is said to be the wisest man in the universe.
Go, find him.
He is here in New York.
Take this.
It was Bruce Lee's.
(HE PULLS A GOLDEN EMULET OUT OF A DRAWER AND GIVE'S IT TO LEROY)
When you find the master who will take you to the final level...
give it to him.
Go now, my son, on your journey.
Go.
(LEROY HEADS OUT TO SEEK THE NEW MASTER WITH GOLDEN EMULET IN HIS HAND)
_____________
(LATER INSIDE A MOVIE THEATER )
COOLY DEALER
Joints and bags! Joints and bags!
(WALKING INTO A PACKED THEATER WHERE LEROY AND PATRONS ARE SEEN ENJOYING A SCREENING OF BRUCE LEE'S MOVIE - ENTER THE DRAGON.)
RANDOM THEATER PATRON 1
Put his butt on the chuck wagon and send his ass to the dogs, man!
RANDOM THEATER PATRON 2
- Shuffle on him, Bruce!
RANDOM THEATER PATRON 3
- Sting him!
RASTA MAN
That's that, man, and there ain't no comin' back!
(SHO'NUFF'S CREW KICKS OPEN THE THEATER DOORS AND MARCH INTO FORMATION WITH SHO'NUFF BEING THE LAST MOFO TO STEP THROUGH THE DOOR.)
SHO'NUFF
Am I the meanest?
(GROUP SHOUTS)- Sho'nuff!
Am I the prettiest?
(GROUP SHOUTS)- Sho'nuff!
Am I the baddest mo-fo lowdown around this town?
(GROUP SHOUTS)- Sho'nuff!
- Well, who am I?
(GROUP SHOUTS)- Sho'nuff!
- Who am I?
(GROUP SHOUTS)- Sho'nuff!
I can't hear you!
(GROUP SHOUTS)- Sho'nuff!
SHO'NUFF
The Shogun of Harlem!
Crunch, seats.
CRUNCH
This is Sho's row. Move it. I said beat it!
THEATER KID
I know who can beat you!
SHO'NUFF
Who said that? Beast, find who said that! -
BEAST
I got him, Sho. I got him. I got him, Sho. Here you go, Sho.
Here's the roach that said it!
SHO'NUFF
Who's badder than the Shogun?
THEATER KID
Bruce Leroy, that's who!
SHO'NUFF
Bruce Leroy? Bruce Leroy?
BEAST
That's the only guy that stands between Sho and total supremacy.
SHO'NUFF
Well, well, well. If it ain't the mysterious...
...the illusive Leroy Green.
I've been waitin' a long time for this, Leroy.
I am sick of hearing these bullshit superman stories...
...about the "wahsa" legendary... ...Bruce Leroy catchin' bullets with his teeth.
Catches bullets with his teeth?
Nigga, please!
LEROY
The secret awaits eyes unclouded by ambition.
SHO'NUFF
What?
LEROY
Those who are bound by desire see only that which can be held in their hands.
SHO'NUFF
See, now it is mumbo-jumbo like that...
and skinny lizards like you, thinkin' they're the Last Dragon that gives kung fu a bad name.
Get up, Leroy. I got something real for your ass in these hands.
We gonna settle this once and for all 'cause I am back.
The Shogun is back on the scene and the Shogun is the master.
THEATER FIGHTER 1
Why don't you sit down and shut up?
SHO'NUFF
What? Why don't I sit down and what?
I said, "Why don't you sit down and shut up?"
SHO'NUFF
Why don't anybody who wants me to sit down and shut up!
come down here and make me!
Why don't any fifty of you who want me to sit down and shut up...
come down here just for the fun of it!!
(A BURLY NATIVE AMERICAN FIGHTER STANDS UP AND THROWS DOWN HIS SODA CUP AS HE STORMS TOWORDS SHO'NUFF TO SHUT HIM UP)
Yeah, come on, fool!
This fool's mine!
(SHO'NUFF DODGES THE FIGHTERS FIRST PUCH AND BEGINS TO REPEATEDLY RAM HIS HEAD INTO THE THEATER STAGE)
DRAG QUEEN
Jack him up, baby!
(SHO'NUFF CONTINUES TO BANG THE FIGHTER'S HEAD THEN RIPS OUT A PLUG OF HIS HAIR AND BLOWS IT AT HIS DRAG QUEEN PARTNER)
Don't hurt that face, baby!
SHO'NUFF
Yeah!
Leroy, I'm going... (BEING TAKEN OFF GURAD BY A SNEAK KICK AND GETTING BACK UP ANGRIER)
You'll never use this foot again!
(SHO'NUFF SWEAPS THE FIGHTERS LEG AND SNAPPS HIS FOOT BACK AND FORTH ENDING WITH A VIOLENT ANKLE BITE)
Leroy!
I'm gonna get you Leroy...
because I am the Shogun!
I will not rest until everybody knows...
SHOGUN IS THE MASTER!
(TO AVOID CONFLICT, LEROY EXITS THE THEATER FROM THE EMERGENCY EXIT)
SHO'NUFF
You wimp!
_________________
ROCK
Still hungry, are we?
I've got a surprise. Dessert!
TV ANNOUNCER
Live from Seventh Heaven,
it's Laura's Video Hotpix...
brought to you by Coca-Cola.
Coke is it.
EDDIE ARKADIAN
Soon that's going to be you, Angie dancing around on that screen,
ain't that right?
Hey, Angie, baby... soon that's going to be you up there, right?
(PULLING HER HEADPHONES OFF )
ANGELA VIRACCO
OHHHWW. Yeah!
EDDIE ARKADIAN
That's my girl!
Baby's going to be a star!
ROCK
If you'd have put this energy into gettin' me a title fight... .
..maybe I'd have been on my way to Vegas now.
EDDIE ARKADIAN
You lost, Rock, you lost!
Every fight I got you. "The Great White Hopeless" they called you. Remember?
ROCK
What do you think they're going to call her?
EDDIE ARKADIAN
A goddess is what they're going to call her. A goddess!
What she'll do to people has never been done before. -
ROCK
Make 'em run for cover? -
EDDIE ARKADIAN
That's cute.
LAURA CHARLES
And now, for my video hotpick of the week, and it is hot...
I say we rock on with DeBarge. Rhythm of the Night.
ROCK
I don't know why you're going through this.
Give me five minutes, Eddie... ...and this chick'll be begging to play this thing.
EDDIE ARKADIAN
You got no class, Rock. I know how to handle these show biz types.
You gotta wine 'em, dine 'em,
you let 'em order la carte.
After all, me and this lady, we got a lot in common.
She's the video-rock queen,
but I, Eddie Arkadian, am the video-game king!
She's got the audience but I got the vision.
That's a match made in heaven.
I thought I told you to get rid of that thing.
ROCK
You also told me, "Keep it, it comes in handy." Remember?
EDDIE ARKADIAN
Yeah, I remember! Damn, that thing gives me the creeps.
________
(LAURA BACK STAGE AT SEVENTH HEAVEN SET WALKING WITH HER CREW AND J.J. WHILE GETTING READY FOR HER LIVE TELEVISION SHOW.)
J.J.
All we're talking about...
We're just talking about one dinner out of your life.
Come on, at least have dinner with him.
LAURA CHARLES
J.J., I would love to help you out... ...but the fact is my show is booked solid for the next four weeks.
So you're just going to have to wait.
HAIR DRESSER
Honey...
Please, we've got a show to do.
J.J.
Will you at least look at the videotape? -
LAURA CHARLES
J.J., there is no point. -
J.J.
Laura, there is a point.
The point of the knife which is at my neck.
He'll slit my throat if you don't do this. Come on, Laura!
LAURA CHARLES
What are you talking about?
You in some trouble?
Who's going to slit your throat?
PRODUCER
Sit down, we've got a show!
J.J.
Laura, this guy plays rough.
PRODUCER
Thirty seconds,
Laura.
LAURA CHARLES
What guy?
Okay. Tell me J.J., who??
J.J.
Eddie Arkadian.
LAURA CHARLES
Who is Eddie Arkadian?
Eddie Arkadian is a heavy dude who wants to have this videotape played in the worst way.
Come on, Laura!
PRODUCER
Fifteen seconds,
J.J.
Laura. Come on.
LAURA CHARLES
Why don't you just call a cop, okay?
My life is not filled with all that craziness.
PRODUCER
Five seconds! Tell that Eddie Ark, or whatever his name is, to forget it!
J.J.
Arkadian. Laura!
PRODUCER
One! You're on!
LAURA CHARLES (SINGING 7TH HEAVEN SONG)
"I found a place, finally find a place for you and me to go If you want to get in.
Step up in the elevator.
"Press number seven.
That's all you got to do to get to Seventh Heaven
I can't believe what you're gonna see
Once you get inside I know you'll love my ride
You can fool around in my room
And enjoy my golden ride, keep it up
Up and around I'll never let you down
Going up.
I'll keep it up and around will I ever.
Never say never
At Heaven's elevator door
Because once you dare
You can't get it up anymore."
LAURA CHARLES
Thank you,
everybody,
and welcome to Seventh Heaven.
I'm glad you made it. I'm glad I made it.
Today my special guests, the tastemakers from the now generation,
with my Cloud Crowd.
EDDIE ARKADIAN
YO J.J. my main man! What's happening?
What?
Nobody turns down an Eddie Arkadian invitation. Nobody.
LAURA CHARLES
So come on down and join us because the winner
will get a Seventh Heavenly evening out on the town with me.
What do you think about that?
RICHIE GREEN
How about a kiss?
LAURA CHARLES
Who said that? -
RICHIE GREEN & RANDOM GUY
I did! - No, I said it!
LAURA CHARLES
A kiss... Well, you never know. But here's one for now.
RICHIE GREEN
Got it!
LAURA CHARLES (SINGING 7TH HEAVEN SONG)
"You found my place
"You finally found my place
Yes, look inside
my love's dancin' all the time
Hop off the elevator
Hell with incinerators
Heaven never burned an angel on a fire
He never burned an angel on a fire
He was full of desire
Oh, no, we don't burn angels on the fire
RICHIE GREEN
"That's my babe!
RICHIE'S FRIEND
What are you talkin' about? -
RICHIE GREEN
That's my woman up there.
RICHIE'S FRIEND
Laura?
RICHIE GREEN
She don't know it yet, but she's mine.
Yeah!
________________
(OUTSIDE 7TH HEAVEN LAURA LEAVES FOR THE NIGHT HEADING TO HER RIDE WHEN SHE SPOTS LEORY FOR A MOMENT AS SHE PASSES BY. THEY LOCK EYES FOR A MOMENT.)
RANDOM FANS
Laura, sign here!
I love you,
Laura! We love you,
Laura!
LAURA CHARLES
How you doin' tonight, Sal?
THUG 1
You just sit back and relax.
Sal got sick.
LAURA CHARLES
What are you doing?
THUG 1
The right thing, Ms. Charles, which is what you're gonna do if you got half a brain.
LAURA CHARLES
Help! Somebody help me!
THUG 1
Put her in the car!
Come on, get her in here.
LAURA CHARLES
Help me, somebody!
THUG 2
Get in the car, bitch!
LEROY
I would not do that if I were you.
THUG 2
You little punk!
What are you, crazy?
THUG 3
Huh, tough guy? Come on!
Your mother!
Come on! Come on! Come here!
LEROY
Are you all right, miss?
LAURA CHARLES
Yeah. I don't know. I guess so. What about you?
Are you okay?
LEROY
They did not harm me.
Wow! Your things.
LAURA CHARLES
That's okay,
I can get them.
LEROY
It seems that everything is safe now.
Yeah.
LEROY
You sure you are all right?
LAURA CHARLES
Yeah, really. Just a little shaken up,
I think. God, what was that all about?
I don't believe it. You were really something, boy.
I just don't know how to thank you... (car honks horn)
LAURA CHARLES
Did you see where that guy went?
CAB DRIVER
Yeah, he's right...
I don't know. You getting in or what?
Come on, honey, let's go.
ANGELA VIRACCO
Where is that deejay lady anyway?
I mean, what's the big deal?
Can't she just meet us there?
EDDIE ARKADIAN
Angela, sweetheart, shut up!
ANGELA VIRACCO
But, Eddie, I'm hungry. I want to go!
EDDIE ARKADIAN
I said shut up! Gee, don't cry.
Listen,
Laura what's-her-face is gonna be here any second.
We don't want our star to look like a little pig peed in her eyes now, do we?
Then knock it off!
Don't bug me! Fix your face!
(ROCK CHUCKLES)
EDDIE ARKADIAN
Shut up!
As soon as the chick gets here,
we leave, okay? Okay.
THUG 1 2 AND 3
Now, boss. - Boss! Boss, don't get mad because it wasn't our fault, all right?
There was nothing we could do.
There were bodyguards.
There must have been 20 or 30 of them!
These big... - Black guys!
Yeah, black guys.
Yeah, with chains!
Chains, clubs, they had everything.
They had pipes, bats, they had everything!
EDDIE ARKADIAN
All right, all right! So the broad wants to play tough, huh?
All right.
Two of us can play that game.
Hey, Rock!
Come here. I got a little job for you.
ROCK
The tank?
EDDIE ARKADIAN
Bring her back in one piece, will you?
LEROY (STUDENTS REPEAT)
Chinese GoJu is my secret, I bear no arms.
May God help me if I ever have to use my art.
Conscience is our guide.
Peace is our shelter.
Beauty and perfection is our life.
See the courtesy.
Kis-Kay!
Break!
LEROY
Johnny, what are you doing?
JOHNNY YU
Well, you see, Leroy,
you know how you're always teaching us to master the art of fighting without fighting?
Well, I did you one better.
I mastered the art of fighting... without knowing how to fight.
JOHNNY YU
You see, people... People are afraid of Oriental dudes.
Give them a little move,
a little scream, and lots of attitude.
Check this out. WOOOO HEEEYAAA!!! (GET'S KICKED IN THE FACE)
LEROY
Johnny, to seek safety one must go to the heart of danger.
SHO'NUFF
The sign outside says this here school is for instructions in the martial arts.
We thought we might get some lessons.
BEAST
Yeah, where do we sign up?
SHO LADY 2
How many yen?
CRUNCH
I'd like to learn some kung fu.
SHO LADY 1
Come on, hot stuff!
SHO'NUFF
Come on, Leroy. Teach me something.
LEROY
I do not wish to fight you.
SHO'NUFF
Well, who do you "wish" to fight then?
One of them?
Or one of the ladies, maybe?
Yeah, since you're too much of a sissy to fight me maybe they're more your speed.
Get him, girls.
Maybe you can get a rise out of this limp wimp!
SHO' LADY 1
You wanna wrestle?
SHO' LADY 2
Hey, little girl. All you've got is this bod and that's it.
SHO' LADY 3
I would love to peel this banana.
SHO' LADY 1
Come on, handsome, show us your stuff!
SHO' LADY 3
How about a little kiss on my fist?
CRUNCH
He's too much of a gentleman to hit a lady.
SHO' LADY 1
You look scared to me!
SHO'NUFF
Yeah! Come on, Leroy!
Yeah, that's right! Bow, sucker!
BEAST
Yeah! Bow down to your master!
SHO'NUFF
Yeah, coolie, kiss my Converse!
CRUNCH
So sorry. Excuse, please.
BEAST
Bow!
Bow!
JOHNNY YU
Enough!
You want to fight?
You fight me, you big ugly, smelly-breathed sucker!
How about you, string bean, Rick-James-lookin' fool?
SHO'NUFF
Beast, kill him!
CRUNCH
Get him, Beast!
BEAST
Bow down or I'm gonna snap this clown in two!
SHO'NUFF
Yeah, that's right, fool! Kiss 'em!
Down!
SHO'NUFF
Beast, let him go.
You may not wish to fight me now, sucker!
But you will! I'm gonna see to that!
Sayonara.
SHO'NUFF
Who's the master? - Sho'nuff!
Who's the master? - Sho'nuff!
The Shogun of Harlem!
BEAST
Yeah!
LEROY
Sometimes it is hard to live the way of the wise.
RICHIE GREEN
Hey, Reloy!
Yo' papa-san,
he wants you in the kitchen, man!
Good morning, Green Sanitarium,
Warden speaking...and I must say our inmates are off to a promising start this morning.
Who's calling?
Roy!
I can't come now.
I'm being held captive till the coolie, moonie kid comes down from the roof.
He's becoming one with his brain again.
Yeah. All right,
I'll catch you later at the rehearsal.
DADDY GREEN
Hey, let me get this straight. The prize in this contest,
you hope to win, is a date?
RICHIE GREEN
"Am" gonna win.
And it ain't no thing and the prize ain't no date.
A night with Laura Charles is an event.
LEROY
Excuse me.
Mama-san, Papa-san.
Richie-san, Lotus Blossom-san.
DADDY GREEN
Now isn't that nice, Sophia?
MAMMA GREEN
Pretty chopsticks, Natasha.
SOPHIA NATASHA GREEN
Thank you.
RICHIE GREEN
I wish you all would decide on one name for this poor child.
No wonder she's so confused.
LEROY
Bless this food. It is to build thy body temple. Spiritualize it.
RICHIE GREEN
I'm telling you, Pop,
the boy is off it.
Stupid old clothes, won't mess with no babes.
People talk, you know.
'
MAMA GREEN
Richard, leave your brother alone.
RICHIE GREEN
I can't help it if he's weird.
You're weird, man, really weird.
DADDY GREEN
Richie, when I first started my business, people said I was weird.
A black man with a pizza shop.
Now there isn't a hungry soul in this town that doesn't know my slogan:
"Just direct-a-yo feets-a to Daddy Green's...
RICHIE GREEN
"Pizza."
DADDY GREEN
Watch yourself, son.
LAURA CHARLES
My personal choices for the video hotpix of the week...
That's my babe, Pop!
That's my date for tonight!
LAURA CHARLES
Because it's alive and very, very exciting. -
LEROY
That is her! -
RICHIE GREEN
You telling me? You better believe that's her!
That's Laura Charles!
LAURA CHARLES
So you remember now, every weekday night at 8:00.
LEROY
Laura Charles! - I would like to see her!
RICHIE GREEN
Well, who wouldn't, fool?
"I would like to see her."
No way the Queen is gonna be looking at no walkin' fortune cookie!
"I would like to see her."
Well, I'll see her today, at rehearsal.
LEROY
You know where she is?
RICHIE GREEN
I know where she's gonna be.
LEROY
You must take me to see her!
RICHIE GREEN
I ain't taking you nowhere! You might embarrass me.
You're too weird.
LEROY
You do not understand. She may have something I need.
RICHIE GREEN
I knew it would happen sooner or later.
You stood on your head so long, you broke it.
Look, let me break it down for you.
You seem to be wanting to broaden, get it, your horizons.
You let a lot of good years roll by without even testing the old equipment.
Now, even you being a disgrace and all, I'd be less than a man if I didn't warn you
that there's an art to making love and you don't even have a paintbrush.
You gotta know the moves, baby. You know, the moves.
LEROY
Richie, I am not concerned with moves.
My concern is something else. Else?
RICHIE GREEN
What else is there?
LEROY
Please, I must see her.
RICHIE GREEN
I don't see why I'm getting so upset.
Go on, go after a goddess if you want to, but let me tell you something.
The worst thing that can happen to you is that she says "yes."
'Cause ain't no woman like that going to hold still while you figure it out.
Not only do you not know when to do something...
you wouldn't know where to put it if you did! And, Leroy...
it can really hurt if you don't know what you're doing.
LEROY
Richie, I must go to this dance contest!
RICHIE GREEN
I ain't taking you nowhere and that's final!
LEROY
Please!
RICHIE GREEN
Kiss my hand.
LEROY
Richie, please.
RICHIE GREEN
Maybe I'll take you.
if you carry me all the way on your back and rap.
LEROY
Rap? Me?
LEROY
Yeah! "Smell like"
I think I have it. "Smell like"
I think I have it. "What it is, what it look like,
do it "Yeah, baby "Do it, do it.
What it, what it be like"
RICHIE GREEN
Okay! That's it! That's it! That is it, stop! Stop right here.
It's just pitiful.
LEROY
Well, give me one more chance!
RICHIE GREEN
No. It is pitiful. Put me down. Put me down! It's pitiful.
LEROY
Richie, where are you going?
Are you not going to buy tickets?
RICHIE GREEN
Of course, I'm gonna buy a ticket!
I never buy tickets, you shrimp-fried-rice head, you.
Man, if anyone asks you, you ain't my brother, okay?
LEROY
What?
RICHIE GREEN
You ain't my brother, that's all!
Now, come on!
Come on, move it!
See man,
messing around with you, now my boys don't even know I'm here.
LEROY
You're not trying to enter without paying, are you?
RICHIE GREEN
Chill out, chopsticks.
Let me handle this.
There must be another door.
I'll be back. Just stay right here and don't move.
And if anyone asks, remember...
LEROY
I know, I ain't your brother.
LAURA CHARLES
Why wasn't this sound check done sooner?
ROCK
I don't know.
I only do what I'm told.
You know, we try for perfection.
LAURA CHARLES
Help! Help!
ANGELA VIRACCO (SONG LYRICS)
"I found a picture
"Inside your suitcase
"I don't know what it means
"I didn't recognize her face
"Mail order catalogues
"Underneath your mattress
"Polaroids do suggest "She is not an actress
"Why is this friendly group all jumping through a hoop?
"Dirty books - I found 'em, I found 'em
"Now that I have seen it all
"You want me to participate
"You dress me up in peek-a-boos "Body oil and roller skates
"Dirty books - I found 'em, I found 'em
"And to think I found them in your suitcase
"I found 'em, I found 'em"
EDDIE ARKADIAN
Don't you love it?
Look, doll, did I do you a favor or did I do you a favor?
So you're going to play my video?
LAURA CHARLES
No!
EDDIE ARKADIAN
Maybe you didn't hear it right...
so I'm going to ask you one more time.
Are you going to put my video on your show or aren't you?
LAURA CHARLES
I'm going to tell you one more time.
The answer is "no."
It's not that I don't like it.
It's just that it's not the right...
ANGELA VIRACCO
Right! Right time of the night to look at it.
That's what she was going to say, wasn't it, honey?
Eddie, she's just tired.
EDDIE ARKADIAN
Tired? She's going to be dead tired if she's not careful.
Okay, I tried to be a gentleman about this!
I was going to take you out to a fancy restaurant.
Let you order la carte!
All I wanted you to do was to put my video on your show,
and now you say "no."
Okay,
that's it.
No more Mr. Nice Guy.
Rock, let's go.
ANGELA VIRACCO
Eddie, you're not gonna do what I think you are?
EDDIE ARKADIAN
Who's going to stop me? (DOOR BURST OPEN)
Who is this guy?
We didn't order out. Get him the hell out of here!
Get him outta here now!
Who is this guy?
Get in there! Break his face, will you?
What are you guys waiting for? Get going!
Are you on vacation? Move it!
Get in there! Get going!
LEROY
I'm sorry, Miss...
ANGELA VIRACCO
Angela. Angela Viracco.
EDDIE ARKADIAN
Bums!
LEROY
I do not think Miss Charles enjoys your company.
It would be best that you leave her alone!
EDDIE ARKADIAN
I don't know who you are, pal,
but you're in a lot of trouble!
LEROY
Hothead needs cool water.
EDDIE ARKADIAN
No, no, no! No,
ANGELA VIRACCO
not the tank! No! Eddie!
EDDIE ARKADIAN
SHIT SHIT! (GASP)
LEROY
Come, you will be safe now.
ANGELA VIRACCO
Eddie, are you all right?
EDDIE ARKADIAN
Get away from me, you dumb broad!
ANGELA VIRACCO
But Eddie, you're all wet!
Honey!
Look at this, it's all wet.
You're all wet.
EDDIE ARKADIAN
Rock, get this damn thing out of here.
That son of a bitch is history.
LAURA CHARLES
God, I can't believe this! This is enough to drive you crazy.
You do this kind of thing everyday?
You are too much! Who are you?
LEROY
I am Leroy. Leroy Green.
LAURA CHARLES
It's nice to meet you.
I need a drink.
Why don't you come inside.
LEROY
Miss Charles,
there is something you may be able to help me with.
LAURA CHARLES
You can call me Laura.
LEROY
Laura, the other night I lost a medallion and...
LAURA CHARLES
That thing that looks like a belt buckle?
LEROY
Belt buckle?
LAURA CHARLES
Is it gold?
LEROY
You have it?
LAURA CHARLES
Yeah, I got it.
Why don't you sit down?
I'll go get it for you.
LEROY
That is wonderful!
LAURA CHARLES
Just promise that you won't vanish as soon as I give it back to you.
LAURA CHARLES
This is so you'll never lose it again.
LEROY
I am deeply in your debt.
It is very valuable to me.
LAURA CHARLES
I know what it's like to lose precious things
and then, of course, to find them again.
You thirsty?
LEROY
From the clock's chime to the cock's crow is but an instant.
I must go.
Excuse me.
(STUMBLES INTO A COFFEE TABLE LEAVING)
I'm sorry.
LAURA CHARLES
Cock's crow?
______
HU YI - LU YI - DU YI (LIP SINGING)
"Suki yaki hot saki Sue "Suki yaki hot saki Sue
"You saki to me, I saki to you
"Suki yaki hot saki Sue You saki to me, I saki to you
"Hot like saki wine Here she stands "Smooth and fine,
looking good
"And she knows what she's after
"Watch out for that hook!
"She baits the line and starts to move in closer
"He takes a step away
"Watch the hook She's never missed her target
"Now she can say
"With your bad self, I saki to you!
"And I can say, OW good times HUH!
"You saki to me, I saki to you
"Suki yaki hot saki Sue"
HU YI
All right! What you lookin' for?
LU YI
What you lookin' for?
LEROY
I am looking for the Master.
DU YI
Ain't no masters here, dude.
Ain't no slaves either!
LEROY
Is this not his fortune cookie factory?
LU YI
The Master, he doin' his wisdom thing.
LEROY
I seek only wisdom of the Master.
DU YI
You want wisdom, you buy fortune cookie.
LU YI
Take a hike, cool breeze.
DU YI
Yeah, baby.
LEROY
Please, I must see the Master. It is very important to me.
LU YI
Look here, chump.
The Master don't see nobody,
especially no jive coolies!
DU YI
Yeah, he don't see no one who don't know how to get down, baby!
You dig, bro? You too square, man!
LU YI
Square, dude!
HU YI
Let me say it so he can understand it, Jim.
You go now!
Chop-chop!
Haulee ass outta this place!
Am I sayin' it right, my man?
LU YI
Like, hasta la pasta, you know?
HU YI
Buenas noches.
DU YI
Auf Wiedersehen, baby.
HU YI
Hasta lumbago!
LU YI
Catch you on the flip-flop!
HU YI
Sayonara!
______________
SHO'NUFF
I was told I could find Leroy Green here.
DADDY GREEN
I'm Leroy Green. Who are you?
SHO'NUFF
Who am I? (Sho'nuff!)
I am the Shogun of Harlem.
and the Leroy Green I'm lookin' for is a little punk that thinks he's a kung fu master.
DADDY GREEN
You mean Junior?
SHO'NUFF
Yeah. "Junior."
Where is he?
DADDY GREEN
Don't know.
I'm not sure I'd tell you if I did!
SHO'NUFF
Not sure you'd tell me if you did?
DADDY GREEN
Wait a minute!
MAMA GREEN
Leave him alone!
DADDY GREEN
Please, Momma, wait a minute!
Wait a minute, please.
I'll take care of it.
SHO'NUFF
Well, how about I leave him a little message, then?
Tell him when I found out he wasn't here...I was all broken up!
DADDY GREEN
My God, my table! What are you doing?
SHO'NUFF
Crunch, Beast, Cyclone!
Do it!
CRUNCH
With pleasure.
MAMA GREEN
Nooooooo!
DADDY GREEN
Hold it, please fellas!
comon' please not like that!
No! Don't beak up my walls! It's my shop!
oh! my God!
MAMA GREEN
Ahhh Noo!, (FLINGING DOUGH BALLS CRYING)
DADDY GREEN
No Don't break the table!
BEAST
I'm gonna kill you, Haaa!
DADDY GREEN
Take it easy, honey!
Take it easy!
CRUNCH
What, are you crazy? He's the Beast!
She only hit you with dough man!
BEAST
You gonna die!
RICHIE GREEN
All right, enough is enough! You all better chill out.
DADDY GREEN
Richie, you stay out of this!
RICHIE GREEN
You better chill out, man!
I said chill out!
DADDY GREEN
All right, take it easy!
SHO'NUFF
Who plays this garbage?
Shut up, bitch!
DADDY GREEN
That's not even mine!
I don't own that!
SHO'NUFF
Tell that chicken-hearted son of yours to name the place.
Cause now he's got to fight me.
BEAST
Yeah.
CRUNCH
Can I kick?
DADDY GREEN (PULLING RICHIE OUT OF GARBAGE CAN)
Come on. I got you.
MAMA GREEN
Look at him! Oh, boy.
Sit down.
RICHIE'S FRIEND
You all right, Rich?
DADDY GREEN
You all right now?
Look at this!
LEROY
What happened?
RICHIE GREEN
Sho'nuff happened,
that's what!
It's all 'cause of you!
Everyone knows you're scared of him.
You kissed his shoes and everything.
What good is that kung fu jive if you can't even use it?
Coward!
Why don't you go someplace and meditate on that?
Coward!
LEROY
Chinese GoJu is my secret!
May God help me if I ever have to use my art!
Love is our law!
Truth is our worship!
Form is our manifestation!
Conscience is our guide!
Peace is our shelter.
Peace is my shelter.
Peace is...
LAURA CHARLES
Hello?
Hey!
I don't mean to bother you but...
maybe I should just come back another time,
LEROY
huh?
LAURA CHARLES
Listen, if this is a bad time, you know, I can just...
You know, the strangest things keep happening to me.
I mean, I seem to be attracting the craziest people.
So, I thought that maybe it would be a great idea...
if I got myself a bodyguard, you know? Like, someone to guard my body.
Anyway, you seem to be the best qualified.
I mean...a girl could do worse than to have her own...real, live kung fu master.
LEROY
I am no master.
LAURA CHARLES
You sure look like a master to me.
How about it?
LEROY
How about what?
LAURA CHARLES
Body-guard. - Hello?
LEROY
Bodyguard?
LAURA CHARLES
Yeah, I want you to be my bodyguard.
Have you listened to a thing I've said?
LEROY
There is much I must do.
I am sorry. I cannot.
JOHNNY YU
Leroy!
Leroy!
Excuse me!
LAURA CHARLES
That's okay.
JOHNNY YU
Say...you're Laura Charles!
Forget it.
I will go.
Don't...
LAURA CHARLES
That's okay.
JOHNNY YU
I don't want to bother you.
LAURA CHARLES
It's okay, I was just leaving.
JOHNNY YU
Leaving?
LAURA CHARLES
Please, just give it some thought, okay?
JOHNNY YU
Wow! Laura Charles!
LAURA CHARLES
Just let me know if you change your mind.
LEROY
I said I cannot help you.
JOHNNY YU
He can't help you?
Of course he can help you! Look at that, he's just hot! He's sick.
The boy's... All that yoga.
Hi, my name is Johnny Yu.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
LAURA CHARLES
Hi, Johnny, it's nice to meet you.
JOHNNY YU
She said it was nice to meet me!
Laura Charles said it was nice to meet me!
She said it was nice! She... Yeah.
____________
ROCK
This is your resume?
HEADLINE KILLER
I like the cropping on that picture.
ROCK
You did "the incinerator murder"?
HEADLINE KILLER
Yeah, I trashed the little lady.
(A burley street fighter named THE DOG strolls over to Rocks audition table and throws him a balled up note.)
ROCK
Double?
Why do you think you should get double what everybody else is getting, huh?
THE DOG
Haaaaagrrrrrr!!!!
(THE DOG breaks the wooden table with his head.)
EDDIE ARKADIAN
Beautiful! Save it!
Give that man anything he wants!
Give him a bone.
Make sure you take out for the table, huh?
_____________
ANGELA VIRACCO - (SINGING)
"You look at me like a new pickup
You tell the barman, 'Fill her up'
You try to steer me out the door
But I know what you're cruising for
You want a test drive
You want a free ride down
Lovers' Lane tonight"
EDDIE ARKADIAN
All right, that's enough! -
Looks terrific, sweetheart. -
ANGELA VIRACCO
Yeah?
EDDIE ARKADIAN
Just needs a couple more steps, okay?
And you girls looked great, too.
Listen, why don't you take a break and get outta those clothes?
Here are some quarters.
Go have a good time.
I'll talk to you, girls. Go, go!
ANGELA VIRACCO
Bye, girls!
ANGELA'S GIRLS
Bye, baby.
Ciao, Angie, baby.
ANGELA VIRACCO
You know, to tell you the truth, Eddie.
I'm really getting tired of all this.
I mean that deejay lady, she's never gonna play our stuff, anyway.
EDDIE ARKADIAN
She'll see the light
as soon as I get that Leroy character out of the way.
ANGELA VIRACCO
What do you mean "out of the way"?
EDDIE ARKADIAN
Sweetheart, you should see the talent I got lined up out there.
If this deejay broad don't wise up, she's gonna be dessert.
It's all for you, sweetheart.
All to make you a star.
Now what do you think of your lover-boy?
ANGELA VIRACCO
All for me?
EDDIE ARKADIAN
All for you, sweetheart.
ANGELA VIRACCO
Well, I mean, if it's really all for me...
I don't want you to kill anybody.
EDDIE ARKADIAN
Are you out of your mind?
Nobody does what he did to me and lives! Nobody!
ANGELA VIRACCO
You know what I've been thinking, Eddie?
I've been thinking that maybe you're trying to use me to get what you want.
I mean, just like you tried to use Rock.
Yeah, you were gonna make him this big heavyweight champion.
Sure, until he lost a fight. All this glamour and stardom...
t's all for you, isn't it, Eddie?
EDDIE ARKADIAN
You know, Angie...
a lot of girls out there would like to trade places with you.
If you're unhappy with all of this...why don't you just walk out?
Go have a nice, normal, boring life.
ANGELA VIRACCO
To tell you the truth, Eddie, it couldn't be anymore boring than hanging around with this gook in my hair while you guys go play cops and robbers.
EDDIE ARKADIAN
Where are you gonna go, Angie?
Without me, you're nothing!
Without that outfit, you're just another no-talent,
dental school dropout from Kew Gardens gettin' by on her tits!
ANGELA VIRACCO
In the end, Eddie, you know what?
You're nothing but a misguided, midget asshole with dreams of ruling the world!
Yeah, also from Kew Gardens.
And also getting by on my tits.
EDDIE ARKADIAN
Where do you think you're going?
ANGELA VIRACCO
To elocution class!
EDDIE ARKADIAN
What for?
____________
SHO'NUFF
Did you see that?
Sho'nuff is the master!
CRUNCH
Number one!
ROCK
Can I pick 'em or what?
EDDIE ARKADIAN
Shut up!
SHO'NUFF
Am I the meanest? Sho'nuff!
Am I the prettiest? Sho'nuff!
Am I the baddest mo-fo lowdown around this town? Sho'nuff!
I can't hear you! Sho'nuff!
Yeah!
SHO'NUFF
Keep your money.
You just get that sucker to the designated place.
at the designated time
and I will gladly designate his ass for dismemberment!
EDDIE ARKADIAN
Yeah! Hey! Well, whatever!
Anyway you want to do it.
It'll certainly be my pleasure, Mr. Nuff.
Put it away.
Come on.
____________
LAURA CHARLES
Looking for me?
LEROY
Yes. I mean...
LAURA CHARLES
thought I wasn't exactly on your favorite persons' list.
LEROY
That is why I came by,
to apologize for the way I spoke.
I did not mean it towards you.
LAURA CHARLES
Great. Then you'll be my bodyguard?
LEROY
I'd love to, but I must complete a mission first.
LAURA CHARLES
A mission?
LEROY
You see, I am in search of the final level where the spirit takes over from the mind
and guides the body without thought.
LAURA CHARLES
Okay. Listen, you stay right here, okay?
Don't move.
I'll be back in five minutes.
Don't disappear, okay?
I'll be right back.
LEROY
A great fighter, for instance might be able to get just his hands to fill with such power that they would get the glow,
which could be deadly if it fell into evil hands.
Yet, if these hands belonged to a master...
LAURA CHARLES
Like Bruce Lee.
LEROY
Yes, exactly!
Someone who has reached the final level and could make his whole body glow the beauty he would be able to create would be without bounds.
Imagine the wonder someone like this can bring to the world!
LAURA CHARLES
That's a beautiful dream, Leroy.
Now I know you're gonna love what I've got to show you at the studio.
What's wrong?
Calling Leroy.
LEROY
I am sorry, but it's just...
LAURA CHARLES
What? Tell me. Come on.
LEROY
You see, I have this friend.
LAURA CHARLES
Yeah?
LEROY
He is very shy. He came to me for advice.
And I... ...well... It is something I thought you can help me with, him with.
LAURA CHARLES
Okay, I'll try.
Tell me about it. What is it?
LEROY
Moves.
LAURA CHARLES
Moves?
LEROY
You see my friend,
he has never been...
He likes this girl.
LAURA CHARLES
Yeah?
LEROY
He has never been with a woman before.
He does not even have a paintbrush.
LAURA CHARLES
Paintbrush?
LEROY
He cannot even draw.
LAURA CHARLES
Draw? What are you talking about?
LEROY
You know. The art of making love. Moves.
LAURA CHARLES
Of course. - I would love to show you some moves.
LEROY
No! It's not for me. I said it was for my friend.
He is the one.
LAURA CHARLES
Okay, anything you say.
LEROY
Is it not kind of hot in here, Miss Charles?
__________
RICHIE GREEN
I'm telling you,
I don't need a contest to win this date 'cause I got juice!
RICHIE FRIEND 2
Why don't you just give up?
Your delusions of grandeur about love with her is nothin' but a wet dream.
RICHIE GREEN
Don't be no fool, Jack.
The Baron Von Rick's got a more direct route to the target.
RICHIE FRIEND 1
Watch out the target don't shoot you down.
RICHIE FRIEND 2
Why don't you write her a letter?
RICHIE FRIEND 1
Or make an obscene phone call?
RICHIE FRIEND 2
Cause that's as close as you're gonna get.
RICHIE GREEN
You two play a game if you want to.
I'm gonna sit right here and wait for her to show up.
And the rap I'm gonna lay on her is gonna make Romeo seem tongue-tied.
Make her melt like hot butter all over my body!
RICHIE FRIEND 2
Go, Rick!
RICHIE GREEN
And this time ain't nothin' gonna stand between me and my destiny with the sweet lips of Lady Laura!
LEROY
Wow!
This place is great!
Fists of Fury!
_____________
RICHIE FRIEND 2
That's it, man. Enough is enough.
I'm gonna go.
RICHIE FRIEND 1
Wait a minute!
Something's going on in here.
RICHIE FRIEND 2
You think it's her?
RICHIE GREEN
There's only one way to find out. Come on!
RICHIE FRIEND 2
What? Where are we going?
RICHIE FRIEND 2
Shit!
RICHIE GREEN
Forget it, man.
RICHIE FRIEND 2
Wait up, man!
_____________
LEROY
This is great!
RICHIE GREEN
Man, I ought to slap that sucker silly with a suit for alienation of affections!
If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't even know where she was!
Chocolate-covered yellow peril!
RICHIE FRIEND 2
Chill out, man!
RICHIE FRIEND 2
Wait for me, will you?
RICHIE GREEN
Come on, man,
RICHIE FRIEND 2
wait for me!
RICHIE GREEN
That sucker better start sleeping with his inscrutable eyes open
cause there's gonna be a serious case of chopsockie justice coming his way!
RICHIE FRIEND 2
Maybe you just don't understand him. I mean, if the lady likes him,
he must be doing something right.
RICHIE GREEN
Leroy? He wouldn't even know what to do with that!
RICHIE FRIEND 1
Looked like he was doing all right to me.
LAURA CHARLES
What's that?
LEROY
Chinese Connection.
He has disguised himself in order to...
get into the villains' lair!
Why did I not think of that before?
I must go.
LAURA CHARLES
Thanks a lot, Bruce!
RICHIE FRIEND 2
Where are you going?
RICHIE GREEN
Back to claim what's mine!
LAURA CHARLES
Leroy?
________
RICHIE GREEN
Ran out on you, huh?
Don't cover up for that Ping-Pong playing chow mein for brains, kung fu head!
LAURA CHARLES
What are you doing up there? You come down here before you hurt yourself!
Now!
RICHIE GREEN
I don't understand what you see in him!
LAURA CHARLES
Leroy?
EDDIE ARKADIAN
We meet again, Miss Charles.
LAURA CHARLES
Let me go!
RICHIE GREEN
Get your hands off my woman!
I said get your hands off my woman!
LAURA CHARLES
Let me go, you big baboon!
_______
DU YI
All right! Little Joe, man!
You pay up, bro!
LU YI
This is craps, man! You pay me!
DU YI
You blind, man? This book says "Little Joe"!
You pay up, blood!
LU YI
You can't even read the book, blood!
_____
LEROY
Hey, my man. What it look like?
Hey, my man, what it look like?
Hey, my man, what it look like?
Hey, my man. - What it look like?
HU YI
What you want?
LEROY
I am the soul brother like no other to deliver this pizza with bean sprouts.
LU YI
Pizza with bean sprouts?
LEROY
Well, yeah, we make anything, dig?
Just direct-a-yo feets-a to Daddy Green's pizza.
Now if you bloods would show me where I can find the Master...
LU YI
You sure the Master ordered this pizza?
LEROY
The man himself.
You're going to release his beast if it gets cold out here.
LU YI
I don't know what you're up to, but I'm gonna rip your face off.
DU YI
No, wait! It's okay.
DU YI
You the same fool that came dressed as a coolie?
LEROY
No, we all just look alike. My man.
DU YI
Brother.
DU YI
Yo, bro! My man, the Master, he split, you know.
LEROY
Split?
DU YI
He's not here. So why don't you chill out with us?
Smoke a little herb.
Sip a little wine.
LEROY
No, I had too much already.
DU YI
Soul brother! - Soul brother!
DU YI
All right! You know how to shoot craps?
LEROY
Craps?
LU YI
Craps!
LEROY
Yeah, craps.
DU YI LU YI
All right! Right on!
___________
ANGELA VIRACCO
Mr. Leroy?
Are you in here?
JOHNNY YU
Heeeyaah!.. (JUMPING OUT TO STARTLE ANGELA)
oh Sorry, miss,
I didn't mean to scare you that bad.
ANGELA VIRACCO
That's all right. Is a Mr. Leroy here?
JOHNNY YU
No, he's not here,
but how about something in a medium sized Oriental?
ANGELA VIRACCO
No, thanks. I'm not Jewish.
Is this where he does all that stuff?
JOHNNY YU
Yeah, I do it, too.
ANGELA VIRACCO
That's really wonderful!
JOHNNY YU
Yep!
ANGELA VIRACCO
Well, you see, I'm on my way back to Kew Gardens.
You gotta tell Mr. Leroy that better stay away from Seventh Heaven.
JOHNNY YU
Why?
ANGELA VIRACCO
Because of my "former" producer, associate and boyfriend,
Eddie Arkadian.
He's gone crazy.
__________
EDDIE ARKADIAN
Tonight's show is conceived written, produced, directed and starring Eddie Arkadian!
Tonight, we make show biz history…
my way!
I'm getting funky to the smooth cool sounds of Fast Eddie A!
(CUEING MUSIC AT SEVETH HEAVEN CONTROLS)
Who is she? (PLAYING THE SONG FIRE ON 7TH HEAVEN PA SYSTEM)
ROCK
Charlene.
EDDIE ARKADIAN
She got a manager?
ROCK
I don't know.
EDDIE ARKADIAN
Fire!
________________
HU YI
This is sure one strange game of craps, soul brother!
LU YI
Yeah!
LEROY
This is how we play in Harlem.
You want to play like soul brother number one?
HU YI
Yeah!
DU YI
Yeah! Right!
LEROY
You play like this.
LU YI
All right, I'm sorry.
LEROY
Now, it is your turn.
Do not step on the line.
HU YI
Right! My man. Right on! Two, three, five.
DU YI
Turkey! Shit! You turkey!
I collect this whole pot, baby!
LEROY
What time is it? Where is the Master?
LU YI
Master? Looks like my man forgot about his pizza.
LEROY
I must see him now.
HU YI
No, no! The wise one never sees nobody.
LEROY
He will see me. - I have this. (showing the golden belt buckle)
HU YI - LU YI - HU YI (CHATTER)
What you got?
Check this out!
It's nice, huh?
Yeah, I like that. Okay, here, come with me.
LEROY
I will see him now?
HU YI
Yeah, come on.
Just wait here. (AS HE LOCKS LEROY OUT IN THE ALLEY)
(LEROY KICKS THE LOCKED DOOR OPEN)
LEROY
Where is the Master?
I want to see him now!
HU YI
Please!
There is no master!
LEROY
You lie!
HU YI
No, it's true!
We made him up to sell more fortune cookies!
DU YI
Tell him!
It's true!
HU YI
Please!
DU YI
Show him!
HU YI
I'll show you!
Over here! I'll show you!
DU YI
Yeah, show him!
Show him!
HU YI
This is Sum Dum Goy.
_____________
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